Life of Bry

City of Lost Souls, the fifth book of Cassandra Clare’s series The Mortal Instruments, manages to be both heartfelt and heartbreaking, making me cry not once, but twice. Despite this being my first read through, it gave me a weird sense of nostalgia. I read this installment so fast that at times I felt like I was 15 years old again, reading The Hunger Games for the first time, trying to finish the trilogy before the first movie came out. It legit made me feel giddy. 

It actually took me longer to write this blog post than it did for me to read the whole book. I just couldn’t straighten my thoughts out enough to make a coherent post, but I tried my hardest. In the end, I’ve decided to split this post into two and rename it “All My Thoughts” because I had way too much to say.

It’s a trip — a very emotional trip. Here are my thoughts on City of Lost Souls.

First, I wanted to point out how this is such a perfect title for this book as so many of these characters are lost souls in their own way. Jace is physically lost and, even worse, bound to Sebastian (aka Jonathan Christopher Morgenstern) by Lillith’s Mark and forced to do his evil bidding. Alec is emotionally lost as his desperation to find a way to spend eternity with Magnus leads to troubling advice from a former lover that causes rifts in their relationship. Izzy is losing herself in love, realizing that opening your heart to others may be scarier and more dangerous than slaying an entire army of demons. And Clary is lost in the battle between Good and Evil, which evidently is not as black and white as she and Simon once thought, as she comes face to face with her blood brother who’s determined to prove that they are more alike than she thinks.

Gettin’ Sizzy

Isabelle Lightwood is the baddest bitch. But even the baddest of bitches break down sometimes. 

In my last blog post, I went over how Izzy’s view on love is heavily influenced by the burden of keeping the secret of her father’s affair. She goes after guys who she already knows won’t commit, so that they don’t have the power to break her heart like her father did to her mother. 

Not to mention that Izzy is still grieving the loss of her little brother Max, making the idea of losing Jace that much worse, especially as the Clave turns away from the search for Jace to worry about downed Wards. The reality of possibly losing a second brother begins to crack Isabelle’s tough exterior.

Iz shows up to Simon’s apartment, but he’s not there. Jordan informs her that Simon spends most nights comforting Clary. Our sweet oblivious boy Simon doesn’t realize that Izzy needs comforting too, but Iz feels like she owes a debt to Clary because she saved Jace’s life at Lake Lyn.

“‘Clary saved a Lightwood. I owe her my life. If I can’t give her that — and I don’t see how she has any use for it — I can give her whatever will make her less unhappy.’”

Izzy to Jordan, Page 141

And after a few drinks, Jordan spits some straight facts.

“Jace is your brother … Shouldn’t Simon be knocking himself out to make you feel better too?’”

Jordan to Izzy, Page 144

We can’t put all the blame on Simon. Clary wears her emotions on her sleeve and they’ve been best friends since childhood, of course Simon knows when she is hurting. However, he’s only known Izzy for a few months and she doesn’t exactly leap at the chance to tell Simon how she feels.

Plus, Izzy has a need to be needed. She doesn’t like needing. 

“… The part that hated relying on anyone else — because wouldn’t they just let you down? — and was proud to say that Isabelle Lightwood didn’t need anyone reminded herself that she was here because they had asked for her. They needed her.”

Izzy on her way to Alec & Magnus’s apartment, Page 157

Side note! I loved the snippet that Izzy gives about how when 10-year-old Jace first arrived at the Institute, she disliked him because he didn’t seem to need anybody (just like her). She was hoping to bring comfort to a broken boy, but instead got … well … Jace. Not to worry though, the pair bonded over sharp objects and Jace always included her when hunting with Alec. It was such a sweet memory.

It’s knowing all this about Isabelle that shows how much strength and courage it must have taken for her to leave the note for Simon saying she needed him. Thankfully Simon proves to her that not everyone will let you down, by showing up for her and telling her the entire story of Star Wars in bed.

This leads to an absolute beautiful moment between this pair. Izzy wants Simon to feed off her, which he’s obviously appalled by. He believes he’s a monster who won’t be able to control himself, and Isabelle bears her soul to him. Just as Simon is ashamed of what he’s become and afraid to lose control, Izzy is insecure about the scars that mark her body and afraid to give herself over emotionally because her parents put their relationship burdens on her shoulders. 

“He could feel her scars under his fingertips, and he wanted to tell her he thought of them as ornaments, testaments to her bravery that only made her more beautiful.”

Simon, Page 275

“‘You’re a heartbreaker, Isabelle Lightwood … Jace told Clary once you’d walk all over me in high-heeled boots.’

‘That was then. You’re different now.’ She eyed him. ‘You’re not scared of me.’

He touched her face. ‘And you’re not scared of anything.’”

Izzy & Simon, Page 277

In general, I felt that Izzy really stepped into herself in CoLS. She starts sticking up for herself and those she cares about. In Simon’s POV, he mentions that Clary once told him that Iz isn’t one for speeches, but when she speaks up, she makes it count — boy does she.

When the Iron Sisters tell Isabelle that it would be better for Jace and Jonathan to die than for the Shadowhunters to call upon an angel to demand a weapon to save them, Izzy loses it.

“‘Whatever they do to change you from Shadowhunters to what you are, it takes the feelings out of you. We might be part angel, but we’re part human, too. You don’t understand love, or the things people do for love, or family — … You’re as hard as demon-stone. No wonder you surround yourselves with it.”

Izzy to the Iron Sisters, Page 203-204

Izzy also defends Simon when Jocelyn blames him for Clary’s suicide mission. Iz and Jocelyn are constantly bumping heads throughout the book, but I’ll get to that in Part 2.

And Simon is still growing as a character. I’ve come to love him so much more than I thought I would while reading City of Bones. He really becomes a hero in CoLS. He begrudgingly agrees to help Clary with the Seelie rings, he conquers his fears by telling his sister that he’s a vampire (and she’s super cool with it) and he summons the frickin’ Angel Raziel who gives him the very specific weapon the gang needs to save Jace in return for losing the Mark of Cain. 

Izzy was right, Simon is just as brave as Jace.

*Personal note, I would also run into a Pentagram to save Chairman Meow. I would die for that cat.

Oh no Alec, what is you doing? 

My heart ached for Alec this entire book. He’s so desperate to find a way that he and Magnus can be together forever that he’s turned to Camille Belcourt, the former leader of the New York vamp clan and ex-girlfriend of our favorite warlock. She gives him an offer: if Alec kills Raphael, she will cast a spell on Magnus to take away his magic and immortality. In the name of love, Alec considers it — before shooting it down. 

Is Alec absolutely wrong for even seeking out this possibility? Yes. 100 percent. Magic is a massive part of who Magnus is — it’s not only his job but his personality. Magic is the essence of Magnus’s soul. Alec doesn’t have the right to take that away from him.

As I get to my big BUT moment, let’s give a reminder that Alec is 18 years old, this is his first real relationship, his parabatai is MIA and he’s still discovering who he is now that he’s open about his sexuality. It’s an emotional time for Alec.

Here we go: Alexander Lightwood is wrong in this situation, BUT Magnus hasn’t been very forthcoming about his past and acknowledging how troubled Alec still is about the realization that he will one day grow old while Magnus remains youthful and unchanging. I think he’s trying to protect Alec. He knows that his past flings and history hurt Alexander, so he leaves everything on a need to know basis. What Magnus doesn’t realize is that all he’s doing is driving Alec into Camille’s grasp. Alec is distraught looking for answers to the mysteries that Magnus leaves behind, and Camille is the only one who has them. 

“The only person who knew Magnus, as he did, not just as the High Warlock of Brooklyn but as someone who could love and be loved back, who had human frailties and peculiarities and odd, irregular currents of mood that Alec had no idea how to navigate without advice.”

Alec, Page 521

All this leads to the scene that made me ugly cry. 

“I was thinking about it, you know,’ Magnus said. ‘That’s part of why I wanted the Book of the White. Immortality can be a burden. You think of the days that stretch out before you, when you have been everywhere, seen everything. The one thing I hadn’t experienced was growing old with someone — someone I loved. I thought perhaps it would be you. But that does not give you the right to make the length of my life your choice and not mine.’”

Magnus to Alec, Page 521

This breakup hit me extremely hard for a number of reasons — but two in particular. 1. Alec’s tremendous growth since we first met him in City of Bones and his understanding that he still has work to do. 2. Camille had told Magnus about her offer to Alec, and he still risked his life to help save Jace for Alexander’s benefit.

In CoB, Alec is very cold, unwelcoming and by the book. He doesn’t quite understand who he is in the world other than a demon slayer at the mercy of the Clave. He kind of spends his life in Jace’s shadow, constantly comparing himself to his parabatai — something he still does in CoLS. He’s not as fast as Jace, not as smooth or suave, not as quick-witted, etc.

Magnus has helped Alec break out of his shell, warm up to those around him, step into himself and realize that he’s more than just Jace’s parabatai — he’s Alexander Gideon Lightwood, and that’s enough.

The thing I noticed most about Alec in CoLS is his humor. Alec doesn’t exactly crack jokes much in the four previous books, but it almost feels like Magnus’s sense of humor is rubbing off on him. He laughs at Simon’s joke in the Seelie Court, plays a prank on Magnus that he forgot who he was after giving a happy memory as payment to Azazel, he tells Simon that you’d have to put meth in lemonade to be able to sell enough to afford Magnus’s professional help, and then there’s this iconic moment in the truck when Alec admits that his father asked what turned him gay.

“‘I hope you told him you were bitten by a gay spider,’ said Simon.

Magnus snorted; Isabelle looked confused. “I’ve read Magnus’s stash of comics,’ said Alec, ‘so I actually know what you’re talking about.’ A small smile played around his mouth. ‘So would that give me the proportional gayness of a spider?’

‘Only if it was a really gay spider,’ said Magnus, and he yelled as Alec punched him in the arm.”

Simon, Alec & Magnus, Page 400-401

In the same exact scene, Alec explains to Izzy how life hasn’t been perfect since coming out. His father doesn’t truly accept him, the Clave doesn’t give him respect, his mom’s friends are gossiping. 

“It’s not like a stab wound you can protect me from. It’s a million little paper cuts every day.”

Alec, Page 401

Perhaps it’s these hardcomings that draw Magnus to stay a little longer despite knowing that Alec has been going behind his back to speak with Camille. We aren’t given the exact moment when she tells Magnus about her meetings with Alec, but now that Chairman Meow is out of the bag, I think it’s safe to assume he knew early on. This realization makes Magnus’ s actions leading to the breakup even more heart wrenching.

Magnus tells Simon that a Great Darkness is coming — which is mentioned quite a few times throughout the book — and that if it weren’t for Alec, he’d be in hiding. Then to Izzy, he gives the indication that the world just has it out for Jace, and their efforts may not be enough to combat the fate that higher powers have in store for him. 

“There are some people—people the universe seems to have singled out for special destinies. Special favors and special torments. God knows we’re all drawn toward what’s beautiful and broken; I have been, but some people cannot be fixed. Or if they can be, it’s only by love and sacrifice so great that it destroys the giver.”

Magnus to Izzy, Page 161

My opinion after reading the whole book is that Magnus was already planning to leave Alec at that moment. However, he doesn’t want to lose him completely. Our gang of Shadowhunters is ready to sacrifice and risk all they can in the name of love — for their brother, for their best friend, for their boyfriend, for their parabatai. 

And because Jace is Alec’s parabatai, Magnus is willing to do whatever he can to help save him or at least prepare a support system if they fail.

“I’ve known parabatai so close they were almost the same person; do you know what happens, when one of them dies, to the one that’s left— … There are things I can’t do for [Alec], can’t give him … You have known Jace as long as he has. You can give him understanding I can’t. And he loves you.”

Magnus to Izzy, Page 162

Or … stick with me now … maybe Magnus was talking about himself and Alec during this scene instead of Jace. Is Alec the “beautiful and broken” person that Magnus believes is beyond saving because he’s not sure if he’s willing to sacrifice what is needed without being destroyed? This would explain why Magnus feels the need to tell Isabelle all these things — to warn her that he might not be able to save either of her brothers and it will be her who will need to pick up the pieces. 

All my theorizing makes sense since Magnus waits until Jace is separated from Sebastian and safely home — meaning Alec is no longer in danger of losing his parabatai — before ending things with Alec. 

My biggest hope for City of Heavenly Fire is that these two find a way to work things out — though I would honestly understand if Magnus couldn’t find a way to forgive Alec and maybe Alec will never be able to come to terms with Magnus’s immortality. Either way, the breakup genuinely made me cry, so kudos to Clare for sparking emotion in my cold dead heart.

*Side note! I hate that I laughed when Alec’s first thought after the breakup was to kill Camille. Come on, Alec, you can’t get all murdery just because a guy breaks your heart. 

End Part 1

Head over to Part 2 to figure out the other part of City of Lost Souls that made me sob and why Jocelyn doesn’t pass my vibe check.